These anonymous letters are collected for Zachary Diaz's community-based project "Letters." Here, people are able to share, without being identified, personal letters that never reached their intended party. If you would like to submit a letter of your own, please follow this link.

Collection II
To my first love,
​I often wonder if you were the one that got away. If you hadn’t strayed would we have made it? Would you be the one I’m sharing my life with today? But with the same flip of a coin, I’m glad you cheated your way out of ruining my future while we were still young. You gave me a chance to love again and to be loved, more than you ever could. A shot with someone who would be there for me through thick and thin, ups and downs, and everything in between. Someone I can have children with and build memories and a home with, which I’m not sure you’re even capable of. I check on you from time to time and see you have yet to meet the one who will change your ways. I’m sorry for you, that you haven’t felt the joy of real and raw love. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for showing me what love could be like for the first time, and also showing me what love is not.
I dont know if i miss you or the friendship that we had. just know neither of us were perfect in the end.
One day the egg shells I trod around you shattered. There's a funny feeling in that, in the fulcrum between agony and relief. Unfortunately for you, you used those pieces of broken egg shells as knives, cutting yourself and this friendship like self harm, before pointing the finger at me. The egg shells I had been slowly breaking had built up a healthy, soft bed, for me to fall upon, and rest, weary with the years of tension and and tribalism you breathed into all of us.
I feel sorry for you, I really do. I see your name looking upon my social media quite often. I know that once you cut off our friendship you did the same to everyone else. Now you have no one. No one else knows I offered to pay for your abortion. No one knows you miscarried. No one knows you induced it yourself.
​Our friendship was built upon years of experience, shared joys, shared tears. I'm sorry you became a person who breaths fire into life.
To my future husband,
​I pray that life is kind to you. I hope that the day we connect you don’t think I’m too good to be true and you’ll accept the love that comes your way. I hope that you’re being challenged in all the best ways and learning more and more each day about yourself so that one day you might share with me the wonders of the world I have yet to experience. I cannot wait for our worlds to collide and create our own universe of love… for the sun and the moon to be jealous of the love we share as it will be never ending. I pray that your inner child will be my best friend. Love, Your future wife
To my soulmate,
​I prayed for you, and God answered my prayers. I thank Him every day for that.
You gave love so freely and easily that it made the world feel like a safe place. I miss you everyday. I am so grateful that I got to experience you in my life. There is no one that can take your place. I hope that you are at peace and with Papa again.
I've never mentioned anything but it always feels strange to be around you now. You might not feel it, but I do. Anytime I say something about it around our friends though, they tell me that I am making things bigger than they actually are. But it can't just be me that feels slightly off when we are near each other. Nothing notably bad has ever happened between us, but we have never discussed the feelings that were clearly there. Feelings that I had, but then let go, and then feelings that you found later. Feelings about me that you felt and that I had to hear about from my best friend whom you told in confidence (like she wasn't going to tell me). We were young and going through different experiences. And while I'm content with the fact that we won't ever be anything, I just can't help but feel uncomfortable when you hang out with my best friends without me and are close to my family even though we never talk anymore. I feel awkward and more often annoyed. I'm not sure if that is me being annoyed at myself for still wishing timing would have been better, or me being annoyed at us for leaving things unsaid, or me being annoyed that you still won't acknowledge to my face that period of time in whatever our relationship was/is now. Its probably for the best these words don't find you at this moment, but at some point maybe they will spill out and I will feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders.
It’s always been you.
The memories are still there. The laughter, the cigarette smoke, the meatballs you made, and all the advice that you gave. You made sure to give every piece of advice with a main course of harsh truth in life. I miss now more than ever. I need that advice in my life but you are no longer here to give it and I wasn't ready. I don't think I ever was going to be.
We grew up together. We went through our parents divorce together. We went to college together. We did everything together. We were so close. Everything changed and it wasn't your fault. Mental illness: schizophrenia; a stigma that inidivuals think they don't act on but they do once they encounter it. It's more difficult than anyone can ever imagine. How much it breaks you and breaks your family apart when you're trying your absolute hardest to stick together. When the word "help" always seems like the word "hurt" to them. It's terrible. You try everything in your power to do what is right and it never seems to help. Uselessness. It's the worst feeling. No matter how many people call you crazy, no matter how many voices you hear, things you see, or actions you take, I'll always be your sister and I'll always love you unconditionally. I hope one day you'll understand that. I hope one day people will be more kind. Everyone is going through something.
How long have we been friends? Two, three years? Yet it seems longer. The amount of things we've been through is insurmountable. It's funny, on paper, we shouldn't be friends. We have little in common. Yet we keep finding our way into each other's lives. We've traveled together, lived together, have worked together so many times. Now something is coming up inside me that I can't stop. I've noticed in all the time we spend together, I so rarely appear in your post on Instagram or Facebook. If people didn't know us, they wouldn't know how close we were. Are you embarrassed of me? Is that why anytime anyone implies that we're more than friends, you have a visibly disgusted reaction? If that is the case, why do you call me when you're drunk? Why do you call me when you have a bad day or when you need something? When you have so many friends and can make friends so easily, why do you keep coming back to me? And why do I leave that door open?
I wish I got to say I love you.
I want to be with you. And I remember you told me you wanted to be with me too. That was months ago. You mean a lot to me. And I remember you said I mean a lot to you too. That was weeks ago. I miss you every day. And I remember you told me you missed me too. That was last night. Over time, your words have lost meaning. They fill my questions to you so I won’t get sad. But they are empty words. “Talking to you is the light of my day.” You said that in June. Now it’s September, and nothing lights your day. It’s possible that this has nothing to do with me. You withdraw from me because you are consumed by suffering. I fight the same demon. I just hope you make it out. And I hope I make it out. And I hope once we are out together, we can be friends. But not too much more than friends. That time passed today. People don’t wait.
I miss you more than words can express. I hate living in a world without you. You were always there for me, and I wasn't there when you needed me. I am sorry for the things I said and did. I am sorry for the pain I caused you. I am sorry that I left you waiting. I am sorry for so many things, but most of all, I am sorry that I didn't tell you this myself. I love you.
Dear grams,
​Going on without you around has been difficult to say the least. Dealing with the rest of the family without your wisdom, kindness, and courage hasn’t been easy. I hope I’m calling Fuffy enough. I hope I am being kind enough to mom. You loved them both so much which is why I’m trying so hard to do what you would’ve wanted. I hope I am carrying on your wishes but sometimes it feels like I’m the only one trying to keep this family together now that you’re gone. I do my best. I think about you every day, even though it’s been 8 years now. I have a boyfriend that I love very much. I hope that he’s everything you wanted for me - he treats me well and makes me feel important. I think he’ll propose soon. Mom gave him your ring. I have a new job, which is everything I’ve asked for. I have an amazing cat. I bought a house. I live in a really cool town but it’s too far from the rest of the family. I wish you could see me now. I wish you could see me happy. All of your grandchildren are doing well, everyone has made it through their difficult times with drugs and alcohol and we’re all rather successful. You have a great-grandchild and she is amazing. She looks just like us, with her curly hair and beautiful smile. She also loves her cookies, so she definitely has our blood. Now that I’m out of school and have time, here’s what I like to do. I enjoy gardening and cooking, but I’m not into baking like you were. I go to the gym and go hiking often. I love to ski. Though I’m not an artist like you, I enjoy crafting. I crochet new things all the time. Right now, I’m making pumpkins. You would’ve loved them. I made Fuffy a hat last winter. I like to read but I don’t get to very often. I work 2-3 jobs at a time even though I don’t need to. I like seeing my friends and family but I also enjoy my alone time. I hope you are in a better place. You are an extraordinary woman and I will never forget you as long as I live. You were more than a grandma to me. You were my best friend when I didn’t have many. I love you and I always will.
Dear past self,
​Don't live in fear. You have to do what you want while you can. Take the time and enjoy little things. Be yourself, and embrace who you are. Don't worry always about what others think. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. It is ok to say no sometimes. It can be hard to please others. All you can do is try and give what you have. Things will not always be made out for you. You sometimes have to struggle to get better. Eventually, you end up realizing it's ok to make mistakes just have a good time. People are going to judge. You will end up finding something that you love to do.
You are so so important to me and I wish things will stay the way they are. We're in bliss, or rather I think we're in bliss, you are so very sweet to me and very accepting. Thank you for being you.
I’m sorry it could not have been, but I have learned. it’s been hard and the only thing I can think of now is how happy I am, how everything that happened did because of where I needed to end up.
Aye i miss you cuz i know we didn't hang out much but i really miss you and i wish i was there with u down in florida and took the bullet for you cause you have a wife and three kids and now you cant even see your grandkids but from the deepest darkest trench of my heart i really really really love and miss u very much
To my thief,
When I think about what you did to me, for some reason, I don't think about you. I think about the act, the scenery, and how much it affected me. I wish I could constrict these thoughts to just being about you, but it has generalized my thinking. Waking up to you inside me and holding me down in a room full of other eyes and ears on my dizzy exposed body. My instinct was run and I did despite the harsh and upset words you were yelling at me. Part of me doesn't believe that you don't think what you did was damaging, because that's the culture right? Take what you want without regard to anything or anyone else. For days after, I couldn't breathe, reliving the acts over and over. That night has crippled me and follows behind me in the back of my head in every way. I have found the one who promises me the world, builds me up, and loves me endlessly, but because of you, I am crippled in the way that I love him. You've created this stigma in my head and no matter how hard I try to disbelieve in it, it comes back to haunt me. You have a kid, and happy family now, but I wonder if they know who you were back then. Do you think of me as much as I think about that night? Do you have dreams about that night? Are you affected on a daily basis like I am? Do you feel guilty? I'll never know.
I miss you and will always love you, but I think I love the person you presented yourself to be more than who you really are. I hope you will either accept those things about yourself or grow into the man you wish to be, as it isn't fair to lead others to believe otherwise. You have many wonderful qualities, but until you spend the time to look deep inside yourself, you will continue to bring chaos and destruction with you to bury those you claim to love. You are more than enough if you could learn to look within to heal your past traumas and hurts, but instead you exhausted me to a state in which I had nothing left to give you. Despite all of that, I still love you and I forgive you. It still hurts. Be well.
I apologize that you didn’t realize what you had in front of you, that you weren’t ready nor strong enough to hold on. I apologize for allowing myself to be intertwined with it and not strong enough to let go for my shake. See here’s the thing I fall in love with potential vs seeing and accepting the real! But for the only way for me to heal is to let go of the what if’s and put myself first for the first.

Collection I
We can always choose where to put our attention, time, energy, effort, and commitment. It should be simple. Instead it feels like a competition—between the familiar and the unknown. It feels like two simultaneous train tracks; one forging boldly into the future and one stubbornly racing into the past. Nostalgia is sweet ​and tempting. But progress is the better and right path.
I love you and it doesn’t have to mean anything to you,
​but I just want you to know that even for a moment I love you.
I have feelings for you.
I wish I had known what you struggled with. When I got older, I understood better, but now I am left with regret. I should have reached out. I should have asked how you were doing. You had so much knowledge, so good at explaining, and experienced so much.  ​
​I recently reconnected with your daughter, my cousin. Trying to take apart some walls that were there. I don't blame her. I hope one day we can reconnect face to face and be family again.
I want to leave the idea that we could be together. I know, people say that we remember the best of our first love experience. I am eager to quit it. You are my sweet memory to be forgotten. I sometimes feel jealous when I look at photos with your girlfriend. I sometimes read our messages and look through our mutual photos. It does not keep me from "loving" my boyfriend. This is the last time I write to you and remember you. Please let my mind and soul be free. I hope you never know that it was me who dedicated this letter to you. I could pour many pleasant words. However, it must be short. Otherwise, my tortures would last five years more. ​Thank you and goodbye.
You hurt me deeply, and I forgive you.
You're sixteen years old and I know there's no way to explain this to you, not really... not in a way that will make sense for where you are in life right now. I understand why you think there's something wrong with you, why you feel less valuable than every other girl you know, why you're constantly searching for external validation. Your innocence was stolen and you're trying to fill that throbbing, painful hole in your heart every chance you get. My sweet girl, I wish you could see past all that, past what they've done to you, past what they've said, past the unfairness of it all. I wish you could see that you are perfection itself, a beaming light of love and brilliance and beauty, wrapped up in bone and muscle and skin, living a life to learn to be whole again after such extraordinary pain. See yourself for who are. You've been a goddess all along.
​And I love you, always.
I forgive you.
You have loved wildly, recklessly, and lovingly. You care so deeply for the men and women you were with. You wanted to be unconditional love in their life, so in return, they could be that for you. You allow them to use your body for their pleasure and emotionally drain you with their games. The last man left you so empty you let so many others into you to fill you up. Just to fill that void, he left. Desperately searching for love where it could never be found. Selling yourself cheaply to make it easy for someone to come in... You are loved so deeply by your family and friends. Who doesn't want anything from you. They pour love into you and give you life. Please honor them and honor yourself by loving yourself. Stop chasing people, choose life, pursue God. Because he has always been with you, he has answered your prayers before, and he’ll do it again. Trust in him. Trust yourself. You are beautifully and wonderfully made—design with purpose and so much love. I love you deeply. I'm in love with you.
​I hope you see that soon.
We don’t talk much these days, which is how it’s supposed to be. But I wish I could tell you that I’m still hurtin pretty good. You didn’t do anything wrong, but I’m pretty confused, and hurt and don’t understand why after all that time we spent talking and getting to know each other, you didn’t feel the same way. I wish you had just said something sooner. You had to have known there was something going on on my end...maybe you didn’t? Maybe you were in denial about it. Just doesn’t make a lotta sense. You were so kind in the aftermath. Which in some ways made it hurt worse. But you are sweet and good, and I’ll probably never say all this to you. Maybe that’s okay. 
Today, Ali ended things between us... I feel really schoched, disappointed, upset, discouraged, and let down. I feel like I gave this girl all of me. She even said she loved me as we said goodbye for the last time. It truly broke me to hold her and kiss and to let her go. The physical abandonment of holding my arms around her waist and feeling her retract while my arms hang truly broke me. All the memories of her beautiful smile, the sex, and how close I felt with her wasn't like any other person I've ever felt. She was different and I really saw myself building a future with this girl and sacrificing whatever I ha to, to make her happy.
​I wish things were different. I really truly do. She is so incredibly special to me. I miss playing in her short curly hair, holding her face and pulling her close to kiss me. How supported she made me feel. How alive and full of love and care. To think someone you care so deeply for cares about you the exact same way. But it's not anymore. It just really really sucks. To care so much and have that taken away just like that...My heart hurts... And aches... I'm supposed to go do a scene today, so I'll just finish writing later... I knew this would happen. It was just too good to be true...
In some ways I wish we had never met. You changed the way I talk to strangers. I’ve suppressed my feelings towards what happened yet still think of them too often. All I feel when reflecting on our memories is upset, regretful, and disappointment at the closure I will never get, and the questions that will never be answered. You don’t deserve to take up as much space as you do for as long as you have but I am not sure how to forgive and forget as it were. Therapy would probably help.
I really liked you. Well, I liked what I knew about you. I wish I had gotten to know you better.
At the time my best friend and I had fallen in love. We had known each other and been close for years. I truly believed we were equally yoked. We had been dating for only a few months and his family was my family. I had grown so close to his parents and brother that there would be times I would go about their house as if it were my own. Being allowed to actually sleep over and getting up and cooking. Movie nights, back yard cookouts, family discussions, clowning each other. I remember nights where my brothers would come over and have dinner and their "guy talks" in the backyard. I felt home.
We went to church together. Our bond and trust was a blessing. His parents were so happy and humbled that we were together. And they let everyone know it. Their church welcomed me with open arms. Everyone he loved welcomed me.
​Then one evening in my college dorm I hear him praying in the living room. He sounded sad. I went into my room to respect his privacy. I had this feeling that something's not right. A few weeks later he broke things off. And about a week after that, he's back with the one he dated before me. He was in love with the idea of being with his first love. One that didn't end well. Everyone said he was such a fool for breaking up with me. No one understood it. But I respected his choice. No one should have to convince anyone to be with them.
And you see this isn't even about him or why we ended. It's about his father. Whom I'd grown to love immensely. He reminded me so much of my Dad. And they got along so well. This strong black man who was a real teddy bear, nurturing, loving, no nonsense, and silly. I always thought he was hilarious. And he was a beautiful father. A man I know God is proud of. It hurt him so deeply that his son and I didn't work out.
He always said I was his daughter and would be his daughter-in-law. But his son went back to someone else and married her. He never got his parent's blessing, which I know broke his heart. His father didn't speak to me after we broke up. Not out of anger or spite, but because he was so hurt too. Didn't even speak to me when I was on the phone with his wife and she'd try to pass it along (who still checks in on me to this day).
He passed away a few years ago. I never got to see or speak to him again. I think of him often and wonder what I'd say. I believe all would say is simply, "I love you" and hug him for a while.
I enjoyed getting to know you with what little time we spent together. I was afraid of letting go knowing what it feels like to open my heart to possibilities & risk being hurt again. Every new opportunity I say "Now I am ready to let go & date" But then I think " Am I ready?" Then later I say "I wish I had... "
In the time we had together, as brief and fleeting as it might have been, it meant something to me. Because there were so many words left unsaid, you may never realize the indelible impact you had on my heart, but I felt it. We were like oil and water together, but
I think we both tried our best. I was a hopeless romantic, craving love and security from a man who could not provide it, though
I believe you wanted to. You were a broken heart, looking for safe arms to rest in, but the trauma of your past tore our present to pieces. You never had peace then, but I hope you’ve found it now.
​I have. It’s something we both deserve. Never stop searching for your happiness, even if we couldn’t find it in each other.
I wish I knew how to look in the mirror and smile at what I see.
I wish I knew how to style my hair and be the queen bee. I wish
​I knew how to paint my face and turn into a star. I wish I knew how to express my feelings and not bottle them in a jar. I wish I knew how to look at my curves as being a gift from above. I wish I knew how to stop being afraid and accept the possibility of love.
You broke something inside me when you broke our vows. You took the sanctity of marriage and spit on it when you lied, cheated and emotionally abused me. We were only married a few months before we separated, and yet the damage you have caused is everlasting. You were supposed to my husband, partner and best friend. I lost all 3 of those people and was left feeling not enough.
I just wanted to say that just because you broke something inside me, and I’m still working on finding myself again does not mean that you broke me. I will get through this and will come out stronger. I believe one day I’ll be able to forgive you, but for now
​I want you to know that you didn’t win. You lost the best thing to ever happen to you, and you didn’t lessen my value. This circumstance doesn’t define me. I am still loved and worth loving even if you didn’t choose to do so.
I miss you. I wish I could hold you in my arms. I wish I was there for you to pour your heart out. I wish I could tell you, really tell you how much you mean to me and how much you changed me. I wish you weren't so far away. I wish I knew how to make this work without hurting you, and I still feel like I did anyway. I wish you never found your new guy and I wish it didn't eat me up inside as much as it does. But you deserve happiness. You deserve someone whose as solid with you as you are. You might not know how much of a light you are. Your energy is nothing like I've ever met. And even though we don't talk like we used to, I hope you find the kind of happiness you give others.
I hope that you didn't feel like I rushed you. It seemed like you were suffering. M was suffering as she stayed with you at the hospital on and off that last year. It seemed like you were so close to death, barely able to muster the energy to talk to me a little. I asked the doctor for a little kindness and mercy in their approach. It seemed so clear at the time.
They assembled the whole family to be sure we all agreed. And everyone did, so there is that. We were all present and no one suggested any other approach. (The unspoken alternative was gruesome and only to buy a little time.)
Then they sent you home with that miracle drug for infection. It brought you back as if from the dead for that crazy summer. You said you wanted to see the Bay Bridge one last time and I begged you to let me put you in the car to see it. Only 8 hours. Be there by sunrise. But, "No," you said. "That's ridiculous."
There was that day when you asked me, "I think I should try to live as long as I possibly can. Don't you?" And I wasn't sure what to say. So I smiled and said nothing. I was thinking of M staying with you at your house and me twice a week relieving her. I was thinking of all the hospital stays and the time when you seemed to be miserable.
Did you want me to call the doctor and say, "Uncle. Put us back on the all extenuating measures track"? I hope not. But it must be hard to be staring it down in the face. The unknown or maybe you believed it was the known.
As you were really close to the end and out of it, a hospice worker asked me if you had "made your peace". I didn't know what to say to that either. What does that look like? I had no idea. But of all the times that you had seemed to be gone before... that time... you were really gone. I miss you.
My life turned upside down when my father committed suicide in 2015. It happened a few days before I graduated with a BA in Dance. Initially, I experienced every emotion from anger to disbelief; however, I went into survival mode and shoved those feelings deep down in order to function on a daily basis. Unknowingly, I trained my mind to block out those thoughts and feelings from the trauma. I didn't even realize what I was doing or that I wasn't grieving properly. I just wanted to be okay. Since my father's passing, I have traveled to different countries by myself. I thought that would help with coming to terms with grief. Turns out, that only paused the process because of all the distractions. I have been in survival mode, taking each day as it comes. 5 years later, and I am just now experiencing grief. It comes in hard hitting waves as I burst into a ball of emotion at random. Although this is exhausting, it also feels therapeutic, and I know it is what my mind and body needs. I am staring to love myself again, love life again, and love dance again.
It has taken 5 years, but I made it. Grief is different for every person. My only advice is to allow yourself to feel every emotion. Do not suppress or distract yourself from it because it will come
in due time. Love yourself, love your family, love everyone.
​Life is precious and people need love.
I know it feels like nobody understands you. That won't change. But that doesn't mean something is wrong with you; nor does it make us weird. You have your own path to follow. Trust me, our interests were always different for a reason. Those dreams you're having aren't dreams anymore. I've done everything you hoped you would, even travelled to that place.. twice.
I wish I could at least whisper to you that we're happy now. Something's coming that's really going to hurt. Years will pass before you understand how. But someone's coming that's really going to help. Your only regret is waiting so long to let them in.
I don't know why I'm writing this letter. Looking back at where you are in my history to now, I wouldn't change a thing. We're here today because of who you chose to become. So thank you. I just want you to hear the words you're desperate for, but don't exist right now: I'm proud of you. You're so worthy, kid. Stronger than you know.
In life we don’t choose which paths are presented to us. Our only power comes from the choices we make next. I’ve let my idea of what’s needed be twisted in the wrong direction because of my nature to control an outcome. Problems arise when expectation and reality produce something we didn’t predict. I’m learning, though. And it’s beautiful to see the changes that are taking place.
Now that I’m growing, now that I’m aware, I move differently: letting things pass and exist without holding so tightly. 
True, we don’t get to choose our paths. But I’m grateful we choose our partners. I’m proud of the person I will be from now on.
How long have we been friends? Two, three years? Yet it seems longer. The amount of things we've been through is insurmountable. It's funny, on paper, we shouldn't be friends. We have little in common. Yet we keep finding our way into each other's lives. We've traveled together, lived together, have worked together so many times. Now something is coming up inside me that I can't stop. I've noticed in all the time we spend together, I so rarely appear in your post on Instagram or Facebook. If people didn't know us, they wouldn't know how close we were. Are you embarrassed of me? Is that why anytime anyone implies that we're more than friends, you have a visibly disgusted reaction? If that is the case, why do you call me when you're drunk? Why do you call me when you have a bad day or when you need something? When you have so many friends and can make friends so easily, why do you keep coming back to me? And why do I leave that door open?
I've never mentioned anything but it always feels strange to be around you now. You might not feel it, but I do. Anytime I say something about it around our friends though, they tell me that I am making things bigger than they actually are. But it can't just be me that feels slightly off when we are near each other. Nothing notably bad has ever happened between us, but we have never discussed the feelings that were clearly there. Feelings that I had, but then let go, and then feelings that you found later. Feelings about me that you felt and that I had to hear about from my best friend whom you told in confidence (like she wasn't going to tell me). We were young and going through different experiences. And while I'm content with the fact that we won't ever be anything, I just can't help but feel uncomfortable when you hang out with my best friends without me and are close to my family even though we never talk anymore. I feel awkward and more often annoyed. I'm not sure if that is me being annoyed at myself for still wishing timing would have been better, or me being annoyed at us for leaving things unsaid, or me being annoyed that you still won't acknowledge to my face that period of time in whatever our relationship was/is now. Its probably for the best these words don't find you at this moment, but at some point maybe they will spill out and I will feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders.